Last night I celebrated the pagan holiday of Imbolc with a Radical Faerie circle jerk. Although it was a very intentional and ritualized experience it was also a circle jerk – which, of course, means having to perform.
Why is it that every time a group of men get together
we I have to somehow find a way to compete and perform? Even if the space is set up specifically to NOT have to compete and perform. The conditioning for competition is so deep that we do it to ourselves even if there’s no reason for it.
The space was very celebratory and loving, yet I found myself in my head as the ritual began all around performing. What if I didn’t get hard? What if I didn’t do it ‘right’? What if I did it too ‘right’? Sometimes I just wish I could find that damn off switch and shut my mind off!
Of course, I wasn’t surprised by the irony in this situation. Here I was masturbating – usually a way for me to shut my mind off – finding that I couldn’t shut my mind off. I decided to give myself permission to be myself. I retreated – on purpose. I found a space in the room that was toward the back and somewhat away from all the activity and just focused on my breath and my body. I closed my eyes. I listened to my body.
Low and behold, it started to work. My mind slowed down. I took in my breath. I took in the energy of the other men in the room and let go of having to do anything with that energy. I let go of that damned internal programming around competition and simply got present – first with my breath, then my body and then the space around me.
I then moved about the room. My Beast came out to play. He danced with other beasts. He felt the group energy. My beast learned the importance of not having to be anything other than himself.