This past Friday was intense.
I was with Scratch at a dance party that went into the wee hours of the morning. I’m not usually the type that stays up late, but this was a special occasion.
I spent some of the evening with my shadow – that part we all have that that is instinctual and irrational and fueled by our fears and doubts. I found myself reverting back to my junior high self – that scared boy who was desperately seeking approval and wanting to fit in but had no clue about how to do that nor any idea that being myself and getting my own approval was actually the best way to be.
Should I dance? Should I not dance? Was my costuming good enough? What was everyone thinking of me? The self inquisition just kept going on.
The space wasn’t comfortable. There were a lot of people bringing in a lot of different energies. Sure, some people were just dancing and having fun, but I seemed to grasp on the the edge of the space that was containing anger and aggression.
Finally, I retreated into the chill space where I started to just relax and collect my thoughts when we were rudely interrupted by someone barging in with his own agenda. Then after he left I was stepped on (yes, it was a bit dark.) That was it – I had to leave.
Saturday was a day of self care. I slept in late. Scratch brought a wonderful breakfast in bed. I just hung out and tried to get back into my body. I loved hanging with Scratch, but I needed to be in my own space so I headed back home.
After I got home I needed time in my body – one of those ‘Calgon take me away’ moments. I began a nice slow masturbation session. I really wanted to keep it slow – this wasn’t about grunts, groans and hardness. Rather it was about really being nice to myself.
As I continued I focused on a mirror above my altar where I keep a cumshot. Cum is magic and I realized that I needed to have a new intention above my altar around self care. What better way to symbolize my intention than to freshen the magic with a new load and a new intention.
The masturbation session went on for several more hours. During one of my breaks I took the mirror and carefully cleaned it and prepared it for a new symbol. Resuming my stroking, as I got closer and closer to to the point of no return I brought all my awareness to self care. Gazing into my own eyes and focused on self care, I experienced a thunderous orgasm and felt the energy of my seed transferring from me onto the mirror below.
I then sat in a silent meditation for a while remaining focused on self care. When complete I set the mirror aside to dry and, when ready, placed it in its proper place above my altar.